so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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