woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize
