so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
