mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
