Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
