I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
