Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
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