My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
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