am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
