Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
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