That's when you crack a 10am beer
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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