I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
