You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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