but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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