He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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