Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
