I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
