what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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