Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
