I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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