The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
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