I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
