i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Randomize
