I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
