I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
