Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Randomize
