I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Randomize
