It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
