laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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