Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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