just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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