she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
