before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Randomize
