he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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