The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
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