dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
