Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
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