I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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