I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
it glows. i had to have it.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Randomize
