My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
My balls are so social today.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
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