She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
