Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
