I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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