Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Randomize
