I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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