she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
