I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
