allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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