i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
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