Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Randomize