I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
This can only be settled by a dance off.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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