dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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