he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
