Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
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