I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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