i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
