Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
