stop calling my apartment porn island.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
