Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
