her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize